Loser

Posted on: November 12, 2020 at 07:37:56 CT

LOSER

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I WON I WON I WON I WON!

I won I won I won!

I won I won I won I won!

This race is far from done.

.

I WON I WON I WON I WON!

I’ll tweet it like a scream

And if I tweet it very loud

I’ll wake from this bad dream.

.

Sniffle.

.

Remember, folks, not long ago?

My rallies proud and large?

The swarm of fans who risked their lives

So I could stay in charge?

.

They cheered me like a deity

No masks to block their cries

They clapped and roared and loved me

As I superspread my lies.

.

The fake news said I would not win —

They’re always, always wrong —

The only way that I could lose

Was if the count went wrong.

.

And when the early tally came

I really did quite well!

But then the votes for Joe rolled in —

As fraudulent as hell.

.

I bellowed: We must stop the count!

The count’s a giant scam!

I’m still the chosen president

I AM I AM I AM.

.

But still the count kept going

And it did not go my way

In Michigan, Wisconsin

Even down in red G-A.

.

The libs praised Stacey Abrams

And her leftist voter pack

No way I’d be defeated

By some women?! And they’re Black?!!

.

Sniff.

.

To prove that I’m the winner

And the leader of this land

I headed to my golf course

With my putter in my hand.

.

I rode there in my motorcade

Fans cheered me on my path

I wore my all-white MAGA hat

I tried to hide my wrath.

.

And when the networks called it —

When they said Joe Biden’s name —

I felt a chilling, red-hot rage

But kept on with my game.

.

Folks partied in the streets, I heard,

Some broke into a dance

They cheered for Joe in Germany

The church bells rang in France.

.

Libs cried “The emp’r has no clothes!”

Some sang, “The witch is dead!”

But I? I golfed on bravely

And I covered up my dread.

.

They honked their silly, lib’rl horns

But here’s what made me gag —

The sight of all those Democrats

Who waved our country’s flag.

.

Now Rudy and my lawyers

Figure out what we should do

There’s really just one answer —

It’s to sue and sue and sue.

.

Concession is for losers

And for those who don’t mind pain

For victims, wimps and Democrats

And guys like John McCain.

.

Sniff. Don’t get me started on Arizona.

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Some say I’m throwing tantrums

That I’m just a bratty boy

A kid who’s starved for mommy’s love

So won’t give up his toy.

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Some say I’m Putin’s puppet

In some giant Russian plot

To undermine democracy

I tell you I AM NOT!

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But strongmen are my biggest fans —

Like Obrador and Xi —

They won’t acknowledge Biden yet —

Their bets are still on me.

.

We manly men love macho guys

And women love us too!

And what could be more manly

Than a good old-fashioned coup?

.

Chortles.

.

I think back on the past four years

By God it’s been a trip

I tore this land to shreds so fast

Like flimsy paper — rip!

.

I never was a leader

But I surely was The Boss

I turned your fears to hatred

Fed my ego with your loss.

.

And still I seed your minds with fear

I plant the rot of doubt

And if I tweet lies loud enough

I’ll never get kicked out.

.

The GOP still backs my play

They know I hold the ace:

They cross me and I’ll tweet it —

I’ll divorce them from my base.

.

Yet Sleepy Joe and Kamala

Now act like king and queen

They’re even taking credit

For my miracle vaccine!

.

I WON I WON I WON I DID!

You know what else is swell?

Inauguration Day is booked

At my D.C. hotel.

.

And if things go against me

Well, of course, I just might flee

Or maybe I can get a job

As host on “Jeopardy!”?

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ABOUT THE WRITER

Mary Schmich is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune and winner of the 2012 Pulitzer Prize for commentary.

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